


Just Want to be Free!

by covacola



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Gen, Haru didn't want this au, Hurt No Comfort, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:00:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23668027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/covacola/pseuds/covacola
Summary: Haru and Makoto get drunk and Haru confesses he didn't want this. He didn't want to be a sort of icon to his friends. He just wanted to be....Free!
Relationships: Nanase Haruka & Tachibana Makoto, Nanase Haruka/Tachibana Makoto
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Just Want to be Free!

**Author's Note:**

> insp line: "That last swig is never quite enough." 
> 
> Really just a relatively needlessly angsty "haha but what if..." not really hc hc.

Haru and Makoto had stayed up way too late, drinking in Makoto's dorm. Luckily, his roommate was spending the night at his girlfriend's. Luckily, unluckily. He'd noticed something was up with Haru, and for once he really couldn't read Haru's mood or expression at all. Except that he was drinking. Heavily. He'd gotten pretty tipsy pretty quickly, and it worried him. There was obviously something on Haru's mind, something he didn't want to think about, let alone talk about. But that's what alcohol did. Loosened the tongue, bring out all the raw feelings. But somehow he hadn't expected Haru to be so  _ forward.  _

"Fuck!" Haru exclaimed, sloshing a little bit of beer out of the bottle and onto his shirt. The liquid stained the white fabric, like the ugly emotions surfacing in his childhood friend. "Makoto, I don't  _ want  _ this. I don't  _ want  _ to do this, I--" how could he know so well what Haru was gonna say next? "I want to swim  _ free!." _

He, Makoto, knew, of course. Knew what he meant. Knew why Haru had done all this, worked so hard. "You can still be free," he tried to reason. 

"No!" Haru cried, actually started to cry. He curled up, exhaling and rocking just a little, clutching the near empty bottle in his hand as he did so. "I'm not free," he muttered, "not like this..." He trailed off, sniffling. 

"Haru..." Makoto tried to think of something, anything to say to comfort him, but the alcohol was doing its dirty work, muddling the mind, making him slow. Damnit. 

"I don't want to compare myself to other people," Haru said. It was unexpected. Haru didn't usually pay much attention to others' scores. Except... Except that wasn't true. He compared himself. To Rin, to Ikuya, even to Makoto himself. To Souske. To others. He  _ did  _ compare times. Now. Now that he was racing,  _ really  _ competing. "And I'm sick of you comparing yourselves to me!" He cried out. 

It stung. They  _ did _ do that. All of them.

They commented constantly about how fast Haru was, how natural. Of course, he realized in hindsight, that would wear on him. Idiot. Of course it would have. He was an idiot. He should have seen it sooner. 

Haru lifted his head from between his knees. His eyes were red and puffy. He sniffled again. "I hate it!" He said. He'd tried to yell, but his voice was strained. It broke Makoto's heart. "You act like you don't, but you all just  _ look _ at me that way. Like, like--"

Makoto closed his eyes. He knew what Haru meant.  _ Please don't say it.  _ He begged silently. But Haru had to get it out. 

"Like I'm some  _ icon.  _ Like I'm on some sick  _ pedestal _ of greatness or whatever!" It was true. They all looked up to him. "I don't want to be your  _ beacon. _ I don't want to be your  _ idol _ or whatever!" But he already was. That was the tragedy of the thing. Because... Because... "I just want to be  _ free!"  _ It hurt. It hurt so much. 

They all looked up to him. How could they not? So talented and a natural, a genius, even at 20. Oh how much he knew Haru just wanted to be normal. Forgettable. But to him, he was anything but. 

"I just want to be free of this-- this expectation. This idolization! Don't fuckin' lie to me, Makoto--" the harsh, almost passionate tone cut him deep. Almost. Almost because it was more regret than anything so pure as passion-- "you guys look up to me. Even though I don't want it. Never wanted it." 

Haru faltered, sobbing openly with his forehead resting against the bottle. He wanted to console him. But consoling him for being right would do any good. Haru cried, actually cried for the first time out of sorrow in so, so long. 

His voice was strained, cracking like the parched skin across his lips, "I just want to be  _ free!"  _


End file.
